It's On Wario He's Got To Win
by civilianstick
Summary: Wario is very sad because his son Luigi is dead. He wants to make a new son but Professor Elvin Gadd has been captured by Wario's long lost brother. Can he rescue Professor Elvin Gadd from certain destruction? Princess Peach is dead too
1. Chapter 1

_**Chapter One**_

* * *

Wario came home at 7 o'clock in the evening. He had spent all day sharing ideas on how to improve water quality for impoverished children in Wet-Dry World. While taking the Warp Pipe back to his restroom, he had a great idea. "I just got to tell them to take the asbestos out of Downtown," Wario said as he climbed out of the Warp Pipe. He put his briefcase down by the sink and brushed his teeth. He looked at the clock on the wall. "What's the time?" he asked politely.

"It's about 7 o'clock in the evening," replied the clock. "Thank you," said Wario gratefully, and he took his tie off and undid the top button of his dress shirt. He just had to make sure the kids were all in bed, and then he could relax with a fun game of Team Fortress 2. His favourite class was the Engineer.

He went to Mario's bedroom and saw him sleeping under the covers. He pulled the covers down a bit to make sure it was really Mario, and the moustache confirmed his hypothesis. He peeked under the covers just to make sure it wasn't a trick but Mario was still there. He turned off Mario's light and went to Yoshi's bedroom. Yoshi was snoozing and making little Yoshi noises when he slept. "Thank god my sons are okay," said Wario. He opened Yoshi's wardrobe and took out a copy of the Holy Bible. Wario took off his hat and knelt down on the bedroom floor. But something wasn't right. "That's it!" Wario said. "A snack will calm these jittery nerves."

Wario went downstairs and he saw the front door was open. "Who left this open?" he wondered aloud. He picked up his Beretta Model 92 Brigadier Wilson Combat semi-automatic pistol just in case and went to the kitchen for a snack. But the fridge door was open too. It was very sad. "Shh, please," Wario whispered. "You'll wake my children." But the fridge just couldn't stop crying. It was so sad that Wario started crying too. "Stop it," Wario sobbed. "Just stop crying please."

But it was too late. He had set the whole kitchen off. One by one, every appliance was crying. Wario tried to stop crying and found out that it was very easy. But the microwave just could not stop blubbing. Wario pinched his big nose. "For the love!" He had to yell now. It was the only way to make the kitchen listen. "You must stop right now!"

There was a bang upstairs. "Now look what you've done!" Wario shouted. "You have woken up my sons!"

This made them cry even louder. "We are sorry!" the stove wailed. "We are so bad!" wept the dishwasher. "Please," snivelled the washing machine, "just hand me in at Bowser World, the best second-hand appliance dealership in Mushroom City, and tell the proprietor to smash me to bits."

"I can't stand this!" Wario howled, and he fell to his knees. "Please, all of you, stop your crying! Or else this will never end!"

There was another BANG upstairs. This one was so loud that it scared everyone but the freezer and stopped them from crying. The freezer kept on crying, but there was a reason Wario didn't listen to it.

Wario went upstairs, unholstered his Beretta Model 92 Brigadier Wilson Combat semi-automatic pistol, and turned the safety off. But the boys were safe. He checked in Mario's bedroom, and he checked in Yoshi's bedroom, and there was no sign of forced entry or other damage. Mario was still asleep, but the noises had woken Yoshi, who was very scared.

"Please, my son," Wario whispered, holding Yoshi close to his chest, "go back to sleep. There is nothing to fear." He took the Holy Bible and gave it to Yoshi, who went back to sleep. "Thank you," Wario said, before kissing Yoshi's forehead and praying for his continued health.

All of a sudden, there was a third, much louder BANG! Wario started crying again, and he walked out into the hall so he wouldn't wake his sons up with his blubbering. They had school tomorrow, so it was very important that they got a good night's rest. Yoshi was a star basketball player. The coach had called him "egg-cellent" at the last parent-teacher meeting and Wario had laughed so much.

And Mario was billed to be the greatest wrestling superstar ever. "Mario, you've been honing your craft for almost 27 years now," Wario remembered the wrestling coach saying at the last parent-teacher meeting. "If you do any less than "mario-vellous" at the next big event, I shall be so cross!" And Wario had laughed even harder at that. The next big event was tomorrow, so Mario really had to be on his A-Game. And if this infernal racket didn't cease soon, Wario feared his beautiful boys may never get the sleep they really needed tonight.

And Luigi had the big spelling test tomorrow. He had spent the whole of yesterday patiently going through every word with him, sounding out the tougher ones like "sanitary" or "horrid". Wario didn't like to think of himself as a mean or petty man, but if all that effort to help Luigi achieve his goals ended up wasted, he would be so sad that he would cry all the way to work, and cry all the way home, and the little children of Wet-Dry World would all perish from drinking dirty contaminated water from Downtown because he couldn't stop crying to tell the board his new idea.

Wario stopped in his tracks. Luigi! His youngest son!

His heart was in his mouth as he nimbly sprinted down the hall, then climbed the second set of steps. The top floor of the house was a mess. Most of it had been blown up. There was only the floor left. The bed had been stolen. And there was a note stuck in the floor.

"What have you done to my son!" Wario screamed up at the heavens, tears streaming down his face. He got down on the floor to read the note because it just wouldn't budge. It read like this:

"Dear Wario," Wario started. He went on to the next line. "I have killed Luigi. He is in Shifting Sand Land without his hat and the Tox Boxes are making slime out of him."

There was no need to read anymore. Wario tore the note in two and challenged God with a mighty distraught roar. But the note went on. "You are sooo stupid, and your kids have no talents. They are pretty much bottom feeders. They don't have a."

He'd reached the end of the page. Since it was still stuck in the floor he had to get up, step over the note, and get back down to look at its backside.

"Clue. If Luigi isn't alive in 7 days then I am coming for you. You are fat. Yours with so much hatred,"

Wario's eyes popped out and went BOING. He couldn't believe what he was reading.

"I thought he was banished to another universe!" he bellowed in despair. "I thought we were rid of him forever!"

It looked like God had failed. Wario stood up, full of righteous fury, and almost struck the wall, but did not, in fear of waking his already-troubled children up. The boys could not be made to suffer, no matter how grievous his soul may ache. But the flames of vengeance still burned high in his spirit. Wario had no time to lose.

He went into Luigi's en suite bathroom and dropped down the Warp Pipe. In the Warp Zone, the lady asked where he wanted to go.

"May I have a return ticket to… Earth?" Wario politely enquired.

"You certainly can," smiled the lady. "Are you a student?"

Wario laughed jovially. "Oh, you are too kind. No, an adult rate for me please. Here, I've got my driving license."

The lady smiled again. "That is a very strapping photograph."

"Why thank you," Wario said with a smile.

"OK, here is your ticket," the lady smiled at him.

"Thank you, ma'am," Wario flashed a smile back.

"You're very welcome," said the lady, giving Wario a smile.

"No, no," Wario smiled, "the pleasure is all mine."

"No, really," the smiling lady said. "I insist."

"Excuse me," came a soft voice from behind. At the head of a queue of about 30 people was a peculiar fellow covered in spikes. He had very stylish red hair in a topknot, and he wore many chokers. Wario thought he looked very fashionable.

"How can I help you, my friend?" Wario asked smilingly.

"I don't mean to be a bother, but there's a rather large queue behind me, and I would hate for them to be late for their evening appointments."

"Of course," said Wario, "of course! How could I have been so selfish? I let pleasantries get in the way of others! Friend, I swear it in the name of Mary, mother of God: never shall I be so greedy again!"

The red-headed man smiled graciously in return. Wario turned back to the lady.

"Excuse me, but may I please borrow that ticket I paid for?" he asked sweetly.

"Well, of course," the lady responded, beaming as she placed the ticket in his hand, cementing the transaction.

"Now, I don't have to pay for this, do I?" Wario asked with mild trepidation. The mild trepidation was offset by his large grin.

"I wouldn't think of it," said the lady, her face contorting into a happy smile. "You may have this ticket on me!"

"I thank you again," said Wario, but before he got caught up in niceties again, he made a swift egress. Looking at the ticket, he saw he was looking for Warp Pipe number 3,001,080,442,364. He took a glance around and found Warp Pipe number 3,001,080,442,362, and Warp Pipe number 3,001,080,442,366, but between them was no Warp Pipe at all. All of a sudden, Wario was very sad again. He threw his hat on the ground and stamped madly. " _He_ did this to me! Oh, he is so rotten! He ruined my Luigi's big day!"

"Excuse me sir," came a meek voice from beneath Wario. He saw Toady, one of Princess Peach's faithful servants, underneath his foot. When he let Toady go, he was very grateful. "In exchange for this kindness, I will grant you one wish."

"Wow!" Wario's eyes lit up. "Can you really do that for me, Toady?"

"Now Wario, come on!" Toady's voice was full of good-humoured chiding. "I would never dream of lying to you. Now make that wish!"

"Certainly!" Wario laughed, his heart singing with joy. "I wish to be sent to Earth!"

"Certainly!" Toady laughed. "I grant your wish to be sent to Earth!"

"Thank you, Toady!" Wario laughed.

"You're welcome, Wario!" Toady laughed, and he began to fade away into nothing. Wario looked around and realised he was in a city. There were flying cars in the air and some roads on the ground with other cars which didn't fly. Besides that, there were some buildings. It looked all in all very much like a city to Wario.

"I think this is the city," he said to himself, and he began strolling down the sidewalk. He whistled a beautiful melody, which nearby walkers joined in on, until they were giving a harmonious performance to those on the street who could not whistle, or found it culturally offensive.

Wario walked down the road and came to a sign. It said some words but he couldn't understand them. He saw a little bald man walking down the road and Wario called him over.

"You there!" Wario called him over. The bald man looked over as Wario called him over. He sauntered towards Wario, who had just called him over.

"I just wanted to call you over," he explained. The man laughed mirthfully and shook Wario's hand. But when he did so, Wario was doubled over.

"That is an incredibly powerful handshake!" he said, knees trembling in awe. "You are so strong! Please forgive me for talking to you!"

"There is nothing to forgive, my friend," said the man, "but if it puts your mind at ease, I forgive you."

"And I thank you," said Wario earnestly, bowing to the strong bald man. "If I may ask your name?"

"My name is Krillin," said the little strong bald man. "Would you like to come and meet my friends?"

For a second Wario was ecstatic to meet some new friends, but then he remembered why he was here.

"No," he said, dropping the courtesy. "I am here for one reason only, and that is to track down and murder my brother."

Krillin was taken aback. "If that is the case," he said, dropping into a fighting stance, "then I'll be forced to stop you!"

"No!" Wario shrieked, tears already welling up. "Please! No fighting! I'm not a fighter! I just love my children! Please! Please don't hurt me, O Krillin the Powerful! You have misunderstood me!"

Krillin wasn't convinced. He stepped back, but didn't leave the stance. "Prove it, buddy. Or I'll send your butt to kingdom come!"

"My brother… he…" Wario gulped and sniffled. "… he killed my son."

"Oh my goodness!" Krillin was so shocked. He went out of the stance and gave Wario a big hug. "I'm so sorry for your loss, O Wario the Kind! I will do anything in my power to assist you!"

Wario's eyes popped out and went BOING. "Wowzer!" he yelled, so loudly that everyone turned to look at him. "And you've got a lotta power!"

"You should see my friends!" Krillin said. "They're way more powerful than me!"

"I hope they can help me kill my brother," Wario cheered. If he hadn't run into this stranger, he would have been left with no options since he left his Beretta Model 92 Brigadier Wilson Combat semi-automatic pistol at home, and he could not bring himself to hurt another at all, much less one of his own blood.

Krillin took off in the air and flew towards his friends. Wario followed on foot. When they met up again, a few cities away, Wario asked how much farther it was to Krillin's friends.

"We've actually arrived!" said Krillin. Wario was amazed! He could see a man in orange clothing and with very untidy hair. He smiled at Wario, and Wario smiled back at him. "Wario," said Krillin, "this is Goku, my best friend." "God bless you, Goku," said Wario. "I've come to kill my brother."

Goku was shocked. He nearly punched Wario, but Krillin explained. "His brother killed his son."

"That's so awful!" Goku started crying, which set Wario off. Krillin didn't cry. But Goku and Wario did.

"It's so sad, because a similar thing happened to my son many years ago," sniffed Goku as he cried over Wario's shoulder. "There, there," Wario murmured, patting Goku on the back. "Why did your brother kill your son?"

"Oh, he didn't kill him," said Goku, who had stopped crying. "He just took him away because I didn't kill everyone else on Earth."

"What's Earth?" Wario was confused.

"It's our name for the world we live in," explained Goku.

"Oh, I see," assured Wario. "So your son isn't dead?"

"No," said Goku, "but I am very sorry for your loss all the same. I did lose my son once, but he was almost 17 then and everyone else in the world had already died first. We brought him back to life with the Dragon Balls."

Wario was too sad to listen to the last sentence. "My son was 36 when he died."

"That's so sad," said Goku. "Hey, I have an idea. Why don't we use the Dragon Balls to wish your son back?"

"What is your son's name, anyway?" asked Krillin.

"His name was Luigi," said Wario sadly, and mentioning Luigi's name made him start howling and pounding the ground with his fists. This time it was Goku's turn to comfort him.

"There, there," said Goku, stroking Wario's hair. "We will bring Luigi back, and you will be happy again."

"What about his brother?" asked Krillin.

"Oh yes, what about your brother?" asked Goku. "Don't worry if he's strong. I love fighting!"

"Well, you see…" said Wario. "My brother originally came from my universe. But he was so evil that Princess Peach banished him here."

"Oh no!" said Goku. "A new evil! I may not be strong enough!"

Wario started sobbing upon hearing this. A blue cat comforted him this time.

"There, there," said the cat, floating in the air and wiping his tears with its tail.

"Thank you, Mr Cat," said Wario, calming down. "What is your name?"

"My name is Puar," said Puar. "I'm a talking cat who can transform into anything."

"Nice to meet you, Puar," said Wario politely. "I'm Wario, and I pitch ideas to a board of billionaires to help make my world a better place for everybody."

"Oh, really?" asked Puar. "That sounds very altruistic of you."

"I suppose it is," Wario smiled. "Would you like an example?"

"I certainly would," said Puar happily. Wario laughed with joy. "I'm so glad that you would! You see, in Wet-Dry World, which is a place in my world and not a separate world, because we call places in the world Worlds. It is just how we do things. Anyway, in Wet-Dry World, there are many people who live in the wet, and not many people who live in the dry. Because of this discrepancy, the water is up and down and everyone gets a bit of wet and a bit of dry because of dedicated civil servants, to whom I pay generous sums to ensure they remain at work and keep things going smoothly for everyone else, and to encourage a good work ethic. However, the water has become very poor quality in the last few days, full of carcinogens and bits of sawdust. It is coming from Downtown, which is the downtown area next to Wet-Dry World which you have to go through a tunnel to get to. It turns out that the buildings in Downtown are full of asbestos. So—"

"Excuse me," came a gentle voice from above. Wario lost his train of thought and looked up, to see someone similar looking to Goku descending. He wore blue, was less tall, and had more imposing hair. "I wondered if I may have a word with you, O Wario the Kind."

"You certainly can," said Wario. "I'm very sorry Puar, but this conversation will have to wait."

"That's fine," said Puar. "I shall return to my companion, Yamcha, and start spreading the word about your good deeds. God bless you, Wario!"

"God bless you, Puar!" Wario said happily. "Now who are you?"

"I am Vegeta, Prince of all Saiyans," said Vegeta. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Likewise," said Wario affably, shaking Vegeta's hand. "WOW! You're powerful enough to kill my brother for sure!"

"That's what I came here to discuss," said Vegeta. "I don't mean to pry into personal business, but may I possibly learn the name of your brother?"

"Well, I don't see why not," said Wario. "It would help find him if you all knew his name."

"That's for sure," said Vegeta politely. "Now if you would, the name, please."

"Of course," said Wario. "I would never turn down such a simple request."

"I'm glad to hear it," Vegeta smiled warmly. "So what is your brother's name?"

"Frieza." Wario's face grew dark. "Frieza is the one who killed my Luigi."

Goku, Vegeta, Puar and Krillin all shouted out: "FRIEZA!"

"Yes, that's right," Wario smiled. "Frieza. Do you know where he is so I can kill him?"

"That's quite a silly thing to say, if you don't mind me saying," said Vegeta. "I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place. Or rather… the wrong time."

"Yes," Goku nodded. "It seems you have come here too far in the future, for Vegeta's beautiful son Trunks was able to kill Frieza many years ago."

Vegeta nodded. "I have never been prouder of my darling baby boy than in the instant when he got revenge on that rascal for the genocide of my people, the Saiyans."

Wario gasped. Frieza had killed Vegeta's people?! That was so very sad.

"That is so very sad," Wario said, holding out his hand. Vegeta took his hand gently and started to softly weep.

Krillin descended next. "You may not know this, but Frieza killed both me and Vegeta several years ago, when we all came to the planet Namek in search of Dragon Balls."

"Oh," Wario remembered. "I just remembered those Dragon Balls you mentioned before."

"Oh yes," said Krillin, "I do remember hearing those being mentioned earlier while you were in earshot."

"That's right," said Goku in a friendly manner. "Shall we use the Dragon Balls to resurrect Frieza so you can kill him yourself and get revenge for your sweet Luigi boy?"

"I think that's a great idea," Wario nodded. "I got to teach him a lesson in compassion; one that he won't soon forget!"


	2. Chapter 2

_**CHAPTER TWO**_

* * *

Frieza was sat in his noisy hoverchair, gently rising and falling at a very high speed, looking at space through the space-seeing window in his spaceship.

"Hmm hmm hmm," said Frieza, thinking about life. "Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm."

"Lord Frieza," came an unbearable screech. "Lord Frieza."

"What is it?" Frieza snapped, turning his hoverchair around. "What is it?"

"Lord Frieza, sir," the voice repeated, as the door to his sitting chamber hissed and slowly started to rise. "Sir! Lord Frieza!"

"Out with it," spat the space emperor. "What do you want?"

"Lord Frieza!"

As soon as the door had cleared a couple of feet, the pest came rolling underneath it. Toady got up and dusted his ugly waistcoat and his disgusting shoes. He looked like a Toad from the Mushroom Kingdom, where Frieza had grown up, but this one wasn't as nice as the other Toads. You could tell because he had a very nasty frown.

"Lord Frieza," said Toady. "I merely wished to make you feel good about your noble standing, Lord Frieza."

"Well that was quite unnecessary," he hissed back. "I feel very good about my noble standing already, and your voice simply infuriates me."

Toady began to sniffle. "I must apologise," he cried out, so loudly that the noise reverberated through Frieza's earholes and buzzed his brain. "I simply must. I would do anything to regain your trust."

"Shut up," said Frieza stiffly. "Shut up, just shut up. You… I hate you loads. You are the stinkiest of all Toads."

Toady looked like he could not believe what he was hearing. Never had he been so hurt. "Lord Frieza," he said. "I have served you loyally for these past four days. Not once have I spoken ill of you or your devious machinations. Your galactic empire is a sight to behold! I would recommend it to any of my family members, if they were inclined towards space tourism! Nothing has ever made me happier or more joyous or more wracked in simple bliss than hearing you breathe in the next room! Your ship is heaven to me! Naught but celestial paradise! Truly, my kin could only dream of such a splendid locale to earn a living in!"

"And what have you got to show for these four days, eh? You grossly bad wretched dirt under my fingernails," Frieza shouted with nothing in his voice but rage and malice. He clenched his fist and clenched his other fist and clenched so hard that his fingernails should have gone right through his palms, but he was so strong that his fingernails just broke instead. "You have not done a single thing I asked you to! You are nothing but a toad, a stupid warty toad, like the frog kind not the mushroom kind. I shall dock your pay on Christmas day, I hope you're hearing what I say."

Toady could hear all too well. But he did not want to believe it. Then he realised he had been remiss. "Lord Frieza, I have been remiss!" he squealed like the pig he was. "For I have in fact carried out my most imperative mission, with flying colours! And that in fact is why I returned!"

"Oh?" Frieza de-clenched his fists and shot a death beam at a button on the wall, which would send for a soldier to collect the nail fragments and bring some new acrylics. "Oh?" He was very interested. "Oh? Oh? You have done this thing, then? Oh? Oh, you have? Oh?"

"Oh!" Toady looked like he might cry, but from happiness instead of sadness, which made Frieza very angry, but he did not say anything, so Toady didn't notice. "Oh!" Toady repeated, jumping for joy and tapping his big feet together. "Oh!"

"Well what is it," Frieza said, so fast that it short-circuited the lighting for a second. "What have you done for me to bring your stature above that of a rotten rankling coldsore?"

"Lord Frieza!" Toady said, "Lord Frieza! I have had the chance to send Wario off and I took it! For you see, when he came to the Warp Zone in search of you after he found your letter after I had Peter Piranha lay waste to his home and kill his son Luigi, I paid the lady lots of your money to remove the correct Warp Pipe which would take him to the planet you call Earth where the Z-Warriors who brought about your ruin many years ago would be all-too-happy to take him here to your lovely spaceship and kill you! And, because I am part genie, I was able to instead offer Wario a free ride to Earth!"

"You stupid grain of sand!" bellowed Frieza, his eyes on the verge of popping out and going BOING. "You babbling brook baby! You have led him to the Z-Warriors anyway! Now they will all start to search for me, and punch me down lots! And I will die! And you spent my money on that! You are sooo muddy that you look like the Great Mosque of Djenné if it got rained on for one thousand years! I hate mud and you and you are so muddy! You stupid! You pig-looking scum! Die now!"

Frieza had his hand up and he was going to use the Supernova. The ball in his hand was the size of a tennis ball in his hand. Toady gulped and his eyes went in and went GNIOB. "Gulp!" he said. "Gniob! Oh, dear Lord Frieza, you misunderstand!" he gibbered. Frieza hated it when he gibbered, so the ball got a little bigger, which made Toady gibber more. "Lord Frieza, I sent him to another Earth! Another Earth! I sent him far away! He is in a different universe to our own, where you have not hatched this plan!"

The ball went just like that. Frieza folded his arms impressively and stood up in his hoverchair, turning it off so it would stop making so much noise. "A different universe you say?"

"Yes, my Lord!" Toady rejoiced. "I know because I asked Fortuneteller Baba, and she said that in that universe you died when Miraino Torankusukun sliced and diced you into little slices of Frieza pizza."

Frieza shuddered twenty times over and elbow-dropped his hoverchair, which blew up in his face. He was so powerful that his reflexes protected him and he demolished it before it could affect him. "Oh, I hate that Miraino!" He pounded the floor of the room which instantly collapsed. Toady was sucked up almost immediately as the vacuum of space drew him from the ship; however, his big ugly headcap plugged the hole, and he stood there upside-down as Frieza calmed down and found his composure. "Oh, there is my composure," he said, and was calm. His big bulky buscles de-bulked and he looked quite normal again. Sleek, slender, slim, lithe, very physically appealing. Toady didn't know why Frieza liked being in his final form all the time; Frieza however did know, and it was because he didn't like the spikes. "I don't like these spikes," he had said a month ago when he was rescued by his team of Minions from the vacuum of space and brought back to his ship. This was when he looked at himself in the bathroom mirror to clear up any possible confusion. He looked at the spikes and said, "No, these aren't for me," so he transformed. That had been a problem when he went to his 2nd and 3rd forms and blew holes in the ship, and the 2nd form was yet spikier than the 1st so he really rued that day. He rued it so much that it made him angry when he thought of days at all. He only went to planets now when it was night time so that the day wouldn't infuriate him and make him go back to 100% power like he'd just done in his rage at Miraino Torankusukun. Goodness, that made him angry remembering that name. He was almost angry enough to go ahead and transform, but he caught himself red-handed and just about threw himself to jail.

"You were saying?" he urged Toady to continue with a semblance of courtesy. Toady hooted. "Oh, yes, Lord Frieza! When Fortuneteller Baba told me all these things, I knew it was the right thing to do. For when Wario finds - he stopped - IF Wario finds the Z-Warriors, they will tell him to blast off again because to their knowledge their Frieza is dead, and he in fact is! The plan cannot fail!"

"Oh, you are so good," said Frieza with a scorching hot smile on his face. "I will allow you to carry on being alive in my army for this kindness you have done me." With that, Frieza lunged forth and vanished, and there was a _boom_ as the door to the sitting chamber imploded. Toady watched him go and tried to get comfortable. On any other day, being exposed to the vacuum of space would have brought him to many tears, but Toady knew it was all worth it for the smile he could put on Lord Frieza's face.

* * *

"Eternal dragon!" Goku yelled into the sky, making Wario slightly jealous of his powerful lungs and the control he had over his voice. "I wish to ask a favour of you! So please emerge from these Dragon Balls and bless us with your magic! We implore you!"

There was a big yellow and a lot of orangey bits all around, and the skies went dark. Wario's bandy little legs started to tremble beneath his comforting girth, and he couldn't stop a few tears of apprehension emerging from their ducts, ruining his eyeshadow. Krillin patted his gloved hand consolingly: "Please don't worry, Wario, it's OK. The Eternal Dragon is a very kind being. He will help you out for a certainty!"

With a mighty roar, the yellow light turned into a behemoth of a dragon, whose green skin made Wario think of first Yoshi, which made him smile contently, then Luigi, which made him start sobbing wildly, throwing punches at the sky.

"I am the eternal dragon," said the eternal dragon. "How may I help you, sirs?"

"Eternal dragon!" Goku yelled into the sky. "I wish to ask a favour of you!"

"I understand you implored me to emerged from those Dragon Balls and bless you with my magic," said the eternal dragon in a powerful baritone which made Wario's fillings resonate in his cavities.

"Yes, that's true," said Goku, losing none of the volume in his voice. "Our new friend, whose name is Wario and who stands before you in striking mustard, wishes to find and kill Frieza the Horrid, so that he may get revenge on him for killing his own son Luigi!"

"Yes, that's right," said Wario gravely, wishing he had his hat. He wasn't sure quite where it had gone, just that it was no longer on his person. He felt naked without it, even in his trademark striking mustard shirt and priestly purple overalls, and his soft and silky gloves and his shoes which he wore strongly. It didn't feel right to face such a being as this mighty eternal dragon without a hat to doff, so he just took off his gloves and cast them into the air in reverence. "I wish for Frieza, my long-lost brother, to be resurrected from the dead, so that I may seek vengeance for the death of my son Luigi."

The dragon's eyes went big then small then big again. It was as if he was trying to emulate them popping out and going BOING but he just couldn't do it, so he was very sad. "This troubles me greatly," the eternal dragon whimpered. "There, there," said Wario. "Goku, please cheer the dragon up."

"Eternal dragon," said Goku, "if you grant my friend his wish then we shall sing you a song! You will not be able to feel any more sorrow because of all the joy we will bring, when we sing! Ring a ding ding!"

"Ring a ding ding," the dragon repeated solemnly. "So be it. Your wish is granted."

There was a big bang and a small spark of electronic mayhem that ran rampant in Wario's psyche. The Dragon Balls blasted off in different directions as the Dragon turned into light and exploded out of being. Wario was so frightened that he fell to his bottom and started to cry. "Waaah," Wario cried bravely. "Waaaah!"

"What is that noise?" came an all-too-familiar voice from the smoke that the eternal dragon had left. Wario's eyes shrank into tiny marbles and just fell out of their sockets. It was _him_.

"It is _him_ ," he breathed, looking into the smoke. "Ouch," he cried, wiping his stinging eyes. This made _him_ laugh. "Oh ho ho ho ho, oh ho ho ho, hm hm ha ha ha he he he. Ho ho ho ho, huh u huh u huh u. Heeee heeee heeee haaaa huuu hooo hwaaaa kaa kaa faa faa fuu fu fu fu fu wa wa wo we wi wa fee fi fo fum!"

"Stop, stop!" Wario pleaded, beating the ground with his naked fists. "Stop it, Frieza!"

"It truly is you, Wario," said Frieza, emerging from the smoke. "Huu huu huu. How I have waited to see you again, my brother."

"You were meant to stay here in this world," Wario spat, glaring up at Frieza who was in his 2nd form. "You ugly bottom wiper."

"You are the ugly bottom wiper!" Frieza yelled, charging straight for Wario. Goku got in the way and Frieza's horn smacked straight into Goku's chiselled abs, but his ki was so powerful that Frieza's horn just broke.

"You!" Frieza shouted with malice, looking up at Goku who was looking down at Frieza.

"And me," said Krillin in a very cool manner which made Wario a bit jealous. "I'm here too, Frieza, and this time I'm much stronger than before!"

 _Could it be_? Wario thought to himself in his own voice. _Could these mighty warriors really help me defeat Frieza, who killed my son Luigi?_

"Yaah!" Krillin screamed at a very high pitch, going so fast that he turned into lines and Wario was a bit bamboozled. Then there was an explosion, but it felt like a bad one which Wario didn't like. It made his moustache droop sadly. He ground his teeth in anticipation. Then the smoke cleared and his jaw fell to the ground with a wet _thump_.

Frieza's second horn, the good horn, was lodged right in Krillin's chest. It was a very clean impalement, and Wario had to respect that. "You always did such precise work," he said glumly, remembering the halcyon days of his youth when Frieza would put his skills to good use drilling holes in furniture and punching holes in paper and goring holes in criminals. It made him a bit weepy, to be honest. What made him weepier was the fact that Krillin was dead.

"You killed Krillin!" Goku screeched, stamping his feet in anger. "Ohhh, you have done it now Frieza! You have crossed my lines! You have done that for the last time! Now I will make you pay! You son of a bastard!"

"My father was _not_ a bastard!" Frieza screeched back. "He was a cunning entrepreneur!"

"Oh, he was cunning!" Goku screeched back. "Cunning at getting killed by Miraino Torankusukun!"

"You make me so ape!" Frieza screeched the loudest Wario had ever heard anyone screech before. "That is it, you industrial waste in a pond! Now you will witness my true power!"

"Goku!" screeched Goku. "I will avenge you, Krillin! Now witness my power! It is the greatest power of all time!"

He started to power up. Wario watched as his muscles bulged so big that he thought he might burst, but he didn't. "Your skin is incredible," he said in awe. Goku turned, distracted. "Thank you, Wario!" he said pleasantly. "It is a side-effect of my Saiyan biology, or so Vegeta tells me."

"Vegeta is very wise," said Wario. Goku nodded. "He is the wisest and most powerful of all my friends, except for Piccolo who is wiser and my son Gohan who is more powerful."

At the mention of sons, Wario started to cry again. Goku walked over and caressed Wario's shaking shoulders, squeezing them with Saiyan firmness which gave him comfort. "Be at peace," said Goku quietly. "Wario, the time is upon us. We can now seek vengeance for—"

Goku choked and choked, but couldn't get the last word of his sentence out because of Frieza's hand through his chest. Wario's lower jaw fell off of his face and he had to reattach it. "For what?!" Wario screamed at Goku. "Vengeance for what?! What were you going to say, my dear Goku? I apologise for screaming, but you don't appear to be able to hear me!"

He was shouting so loud that Goku got scared and shrank back, then he sort of slid down Frieza's arm. Frieza was in his final form behind Goku, and he gave Wario the meanest look he'd ever gotten.

"Why, Frieza?" Wario sobbed as Goku closed his eyes. He took Goku's limp hand and began to crush it in hysteric woe. "Why, Frieza? Why did you do this to my friends!?"

"Because they were going to kill me," said Frieza reasonably. "You hare-brained fat sack of flour."

"I am not a hare-brained fat sack of flour," Wario said, his voice devoid of emotion from the horrors he had been through. He could not blink. "But you are… a monster."

"Anyway," said Frieza, "why was I revived?"

Wario didn't want to talk to Frieza, whom had murdered his new friends, but he was so lonely that he responded anyway just for the conversation. "W-well, you see, Frieza… when you killed my son Luigi I was so angry that I… I wanted revenge…"

Frieza got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I didn't know you had a son, Wario. You are so ugly that no woman would ever want to bear your freak children."

"That's untrue," said Wario, wounded by his brother's cruelty. "Your cruelty wounds me, Frieza."

"So who is the mother?" Frieza smirked most impolitely. "Donkey Kong?"

Wario had had enough. "Donkey Kong is not a woman and you know it!" he roared, surprising Frieza with a mighty uppercut that forcefully closed his jaw. Frieza somersaulted in recovery and landed on his feet. Wario fell back, the opportunity lost, and recoiled once again in fear. He squeezed his eyes shut, certain that this was the end, only to feel a wet lump strike his forehead softly. He opened his mouth, then his eyes, and saw that it was Frieza's tongue.

"You cut my hung off!" Frieza said wrathfully. "What's a hung?" Wario asked, sobbing gently into his hands. "My hung, you hross abomihation! My hamn hung!"

"Oh, your tongue," said Wario, enlightened at last. "Then this must be your tongue which I cut off. But I don't remember severing any muscles of yours, Frieza. Are you lying to me again?"

"Ho!" Frieza loomed over Wario threateningly. "You cose my mouh uhecpechehy! How I hahhoh hpeak!"

"I'm so sorry," Wario burst into tears, weeping into the soil at his feet. "I never meant to hurt you, Frieza, you just angered me so much! Please forgive me!"

"Ho," said Frieza. "Don't be such a grumpy-guts," Wario warned his brother. "Or else you shall look a fool."

Frieza had an idea. "Heh's hommuhihahe hrough heh mehhaheh."

"I don't know what you said there," said Wario, who hadn't a clue what Frieza had said. Then his pocket buzzed. He pulled out his phone and saw he had a text.

"Oh, please hang on Frieza, I've just been contacted on my telephone. My vengeance will have to wait."

But the text was….FROM Frieza! It said: "let's communicate through text so that my new disability doesn't hamper our communication".

"Good thinking, Frieza," said Wario warmly. "You always were the smarter of us, though I was the gentler soul."

His phone buzzed again. Another text from Frieza, whom had been conspicuously on his own phone for 10 seconds previously. Perhaps he had just been writing this new text, which said: "shut up smelly". Wario looked with disdain at his brother, whose mouth was oozing blood at an alarming rate. "Shall I fetch some ice for your tongue wound, Frieza?" he asked, gravelly voice full of concern for his brother. Another text: "no".

"Fine," he said sorrowfully. "Now, I must kill you for what you have done to my family." There was some time before the next text. "as I said, you inadequate pig, I didn't know you had a family! I did not kill your son Louie. You are horrible"

"No," said Wario, "You are horrible! And you did kill Luigi, whose name is not Louie. Here is my proof: there was a letter addressed to me from you at the crime scene, where you said that you would come for me in seven days if Luigi was not alive, which I didn't really understand. Explain that, Frieza!"

"I was dead you foolish dunce how could I have killed anyone let alone written a letter! You are so ugly! It hurts me to be near you! You are the most pathetic creature ever! You smell like Donkey Kong"

"Then who… sent that letter?" Wario was nearly lost for words, but not quite. "Could it be that you were framed, Frieza?"

"Who on earth would frame me you ridiculous buffoon? You clod with the memory of a goldfish. I have been dead for years ever since Miraino Torankusukun sliced and diced me into a dozen pieces and blew the pieces up. You must have made that letter up just like your fake wife and your imaginary kids"

"No…" Wario couldn't believe it. Was his whole life really such a lie? He couldn't think, nor speak, nor move. Every fibre of his being was trying to move in a different direction, but they all settled on the direction of sadness eventually. Wario's bottom lip started to tremble.

"Don't cry you preposterous knock kneed cretin. Just shut up and go away and let me destroy the Earth"

Destroy the Earth? What was the Earth again? Wario could not remember. "What is the Earth again?" he asked. "Oh, it is the name of this world. Oh, my gosh! You're not serious, Frieza?!"

"I am always serious. You are always stupid. Die"

"Then I must stop you!" Wario's aura flared up and ki began to surround him. He was harnessing the power of the Z-Warriors out of nowhere! Who had given him this power?!

He saw Goku raising his hand from the crumpled heap in which he lay. Energy was streaming into Wario. "It's on you, Wario," came his voice, feeble and ghostly. "You've got to win."

Frieza was startled at Wario's power increase, but he smiled to cover his fear. Wario let out a mighty roar and charged forth on his feet, leaping into the air with his naked fists poised to give his brother the pummelling of a lifetime. But Frieza was too strong! He caught Wario by the throat and held him upside down and shook him like a seizure.

"You see what happens when you don't allow me to destroy the world, Wario?" Wario imagined he might say if his brother hadn't lost his tongue due to his own callous actions and disregard for consequences which would haunt him for the rest of his life, if indeed there was much of one left to live once Frieza was through with him for daring to defy him. The power left Wario as all the blood rushed to his head and his moustache drooped so far that it brushed against the ground even though Frieza was holding Wario's head about 6 feet off the ground despite Frieza only being about 4 feet tall. That was it. The fight was over. Luigi would never be avenged. His kids would never be woken up in time for school. Tears started to stream up his face as he thought of all the birthdays, all the big events he would miss. Mario's graduation. Yoshi's first boyfriend. Luigi's puberty conversation. And all of it lost because he picked a fight he couldn't win against the wrong person. How could he have been so foolish?

Then Frieza disappeared. His arm stayed, but the rest just vanished. Wario fell on his head, but landed on a bouncy castle which made him bounce and bounce. He came to rest and sat up, wondering what happened. "I wonder what just happened," he said wondrously.

Then someone descended. It was Vegeta! The bouncy castle was Puar. And there was also a rotund pink man with a joyous expression on his face and a similar fashion sense to Wario. "This is Mr Buu," said Vegeta. "He has come to heal you and our friends."

"Oh, thank the Lord!" Wario cried in happiness. "You have come to rescue me! I am so pleased! But what happened to Frieza?"

"I kicked him very hard," said Vegeta. "He is dead now, once more. Luigi is avenged."

"Oh! Oh oh oh!" A million thoughts of celebration and happiness danced through Wario's mind, but then he remembered. "Oh, Vegeta! It is so terrible! The fact of the matter is, Luigi was not avenged at all by this! Frieza was not the one to send that letter! I was misled by someone! Luigi wasn't killed by Frieza! It is so scary!"

"It is very scary indeed," Vegeta nodded, shivering a bit in fear. "But fear not, Wario. We shall pay a visit to King Kai for answers."

"Who is King Kai?" Wario asked, as Puar turned back into a cat and Wario landed hard on his bottom on the ground. "Ouch."

"King Kai is the god of this galaxy," explained Goku. "He isn't actually a king at all, much less king of the Kais, but that is his title nonetheless."

"Oh! Goku!" Wario was pleased to see his friend okay. "I am pleased to see you okay."

"Majin Buu is a powerful warrior," said Krillin, "but an even more powerful healer." The holes in Krillin and Goku's chests were gone. "Now let's go to King Kai's planet in Otherworld, and we shall see once and for all just who killed your brother Luigi."

"My son," Wario corrected him. "Luigi was my son, before he was killed."

"Of course," said Krillin. "My mistake."

"That's quite alright," said Wario with a smile. He picked up his gloves and slipped them back onto his delicate hands. "Now how shall we get to King Kai's?"

As Goku grasped Krillin, Vegeta, Puar and Wario's hands, and prepared to take them to King Kai's planet via Instant Transmission, he had to wait for Mr Buu to join them. They disappeared in a flash.

From the wreckage of the battlefield, Frieza watched them go, and clenched his fist. _It's a good thing that Mr Buu lacks the capacity to separate good from evil,_ he thought to himself. _Otherwise, he may not have obliviously healed me from near-death and left me to destroy Earth!_

* * *

Frieza's conference room was very dark in his ship. Toady couldn't see where he was, so he ran into the table and was knocked out from the blow, making Frieza laugh a lot.

Then the screen came on and the room was filled with blinding white light from the screen. "Ah," he said to the screen.

"Lord Frieza," said the woman on the screen. "Is it time?"

"It is indeed, you bony old hag." Frieza smiled a dastardly smile and swished the wine in his glass. "Send your mercenaries to the Mushroom Kingdom immediately. Make haste. We MUST capture the Professor before my brother returns!"

"Yes, yes," said the woman. She took a drag of a cigarette before leaning over another microphone. "Miss Pauling!"

"Yes?" came a sweeter voice, muffled and distorted as Frieza was hearing it through a speaker from the other woman's side. "What did she say?" Frieza asked, worried he might fall behind in the conversation. "She said 'yes'," explained the woman. "Oh, thank you. Go to hell," said Frieza gratefully.

"Miss Pauling," repeated the woman into her microphone. "Ready the team. Operation Snatch Professor Elvin Gadd is officially underway."

"Yes, I know," said Frieza.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Chapter Three  
**_

* * *

Wario had never been much of a traveller. He was more of an unraveller. That was his job, back in the Mushroom Kingdom; his title. Senior Hitch Unraveller. Nobody was better at unravelling hitches in the government's plans; not even Kiki the stupid monkey, who so desired his title, but could never attain it due to the prejudice inherent in the society they lived in. But that was all a long way away. How long, Wario didn't know; Krillin said it would have made him start crying again due to the incredible distance, so he settled on just that – "incredible distance" – and tried to enjoy being on this tiny little planet. King Kai lived here, a man much revered by his new friends. Supposedly he was very knowledgeable. This would have to wait to be confirmed – for about this time, until when the time for King Kai's emergence occurring would going to happened.

"King Kai!" Goku gave a kingly cry. "Emerge from your house, pease!"

"The correct word is 'please', my dear Kakarot," said Vegeta.

"O! Of course it is. I must apologise for misspeaking. Will everyone forgive me?"

"Yes," said Vegeta.

"Of course," said Wario.

"I will at once," said Krillin.

"I do not!" hooted Mister Buu, the pink healer. Goku was taken aback, and he drooled a little through his eyes. "Mister Buu! Whatever could you mean by this?"

"I was merely joking with you!" hooted Mister Buu, the pink healer. "In honesty, I do forgive you very much."

"Oh, Mister Buu!" Goku wailed, drooling through his nose as well now. "I must apologise for blubbering so. But you really gave my noodles a good stir!"

Wario did not know what that idiom meant, but he didn't want to disrespect his friends, especially since he was their guest, so he spoke instead to King Kai, the little blue man who looked a bit like an anthropomorphic, or humanlike, catfish. He had some antennas, or antennae, coming out of his head, and a pair of rather stylish pince-nez obscuring his eyes.

"My liege," he started, reverently kneeling and trying to kiss King Kai's feet. His globular guttage got quite in the way of this, however, and he couldn't quite put his soft strawberry lips to the King's slender feet. "O, my liege! Ai! Ai! Ai! I cannot kiss your feet!"

"There will be no more apologies," boomed King Kai, in a clear, dark voice that exuded a kind of authoritative warmth. "All will be forgiven as long as we are on my planet, the planet of King Kai. And Wario, my son... I am not your liege, nor anyone's. My title of King is merely a symbol of my administrative position as head auditor of the North Galaxy, or whichever Galaxy I preside over."

Wario swallowed halfway through the King's kingly spiel, and his ears popped. With the newfound aural clarity, he noticed that the King's voice was in fact a clownish, nasal, gravelly thing that was rather grating on his eardrums.

"No!" he cried, despite himself. "I cannot think such disrespectful things!"

"I will forgive that churlish thought of yours," said King Kai wisely, showing his ability to read minds. "Now, we must discuss the reason you are here."

"Yes. Indeed, we must," said Vegeta, folding the bulbous musculature of his arms across the bulbous musculature of his chest. "King Kai, I implore you to let us know: who really killed Wario's son, Luigi?"

King Kai's expression plummeted in joy levels, plumbing the depths of Hades so far that it came out the other side and he was joyous again, only to re-level itself at the place it was before.

"I must delve deep into the wells of forbidden knowledge to accomplish this request of yours to learn the identity of the murderer of the son of this friend of yours, Vegeta," he warned. "And it may take a while. Bubbles, my beautiful companion!"

Out of King Kai's cosy little residence came an adorable little monkey. Wario was surprised to see monkeys existed in this realm. They were usually only in the Mushroom Kingdom – such as Kiki the monkey, whom he now remembered was actually called Ukkiki or something like that – a fine name for a fine monkey, to be sure, but as his son Mario always said: "It's-a me! Mario!"

"Bubbles, my beautiful companion. Please, I ask of you this: take my guests' coats and hats and accoutrements, for my upcoming task will take a long while."

Bubbles screeched affirmations and wheeled forth on both hands and feet to do so – but none of the guests _had_ coats or hats! He was so sad that he took his own tail and wrung it like a wet cloth. King Kai didn't seem to notice, and Wario was getting used to remaining mum, so he remained mum.

The self-styled King sat on the finely-mown grass of his planet, and Wario suspected he crossed his legs under that big black robe he wore. His antennae twitched, and twitched again, and suddenly they SHOT straight up, making a loud BOING! Wario's eyes nearly popped out. Then electric sparks began to run between each antenna, filling the planet's atmosphere with the smell of singed antennae – a most intoxicating scent that took Wario back to his childhood. Frieza would make such smells when he did his work. And such nice work it was, too. It nearly made him sad to remember the good times against the much worse current ones. Krillin, perhaps sensing his near-sorrow, gave him a gentle pat on the head, but the increased gravity of the planet shoved Wario neck-deep into the crust.

"Wario!" Krillin yelped.

"Krillin!" Wario yelped. "I am fine. How are you?"

"I am fine," said Krillin. "Would you like to be removed from the crust of this planet?"

"I think I will just stay here," said Wario.

* * *

Nine mercenaries, who looked like grizzled men and smelled like grizzled men and were grizzled men, sat in differing seats of a long automobile that cruised and bruised the highway long, some enjoying a singalong song. The tallest was a man named Heavy Weapons Guy, and he sat in the automobile. The next tallest was an Australian man called Sniper, and he was driving. It was his automobile. The others were also in the automobile, but they weren't driving it, they didn't own it, and they weren't the tallest or second-tallest.

"Where is we goinks, da?" asked Heavy Weapons Guy, in a thick Russian accent.

"We are going to find Professor Elvin Gadd, mon frère," explained Spy, who was the fifth-tallest of the mercenaries, in a thick French accent.

"Ja, that's right," confirmed Medic, who was the fourth-tallest of the mercenaries, in a thick German accent.

They were driving on a road.

"In 500 yards... turn right," said their satellite navigation system.

"I will," said Sniper, in a thick Australian accent. "Thank you."

* * *

King Kai did not take much of a while at all. In just 38 short minutes, he had a full dossier on the perpetrator.

"He is a man called Toady, who weighs but a paper-like weight, a tiny and horrid thing."

Wario was so scared, because he knew Toady, and thought Toady was nice. "It was Toady who brought me to this wonderful place you call Earth in the first place!"

"Then perhaps there was foul play in mind," Mister Buu surmised. "Perhaps it was a trap. Perhaps he knew you would not find the perpetrator at all. These are some of my theories."

"I find them compelling," said Goku, deep in thought. "So Toady was the perpetrator?"

"That is correct," said King Kai. "I don't think it would take much time at all to eradicate him from the universe, even for Wario. You could grow hair near him and the kinetic force would likely punch several holes in his vital organs."

Wario felt a bit queasy. "Shall I do this, then?"

"I am not sure it is worth the bother," said Vegeta. "Vengeance is not a wise course to take; you must remember this. The wisest man is he who abhors vengeance entirely. You must not fall into darkness by seeking revenge for any slight. You must simply turn the other cheek."

"You truly are the second-wisest of Goku's friends," Wario said in awe. "Only Piccolo is wiser."

"This is true," said King Kai, "except I am also much smarter than both of them put together."

"O!" cried Vegeta. "You are so right! My liege! Please, forgive me!"

* * *

"You have reached your destination," said the satellite navigation system.

"We certainly have," said Sniper. He donned his $150 Ray Ban Aviator Classics and pulled the handbrake, stopping the car. He removed the key from the ignition and the engine powered down. One by one, they piled out into the darkness. The woods around them were scary.

"I'm quite scared by these woods," said Scout, who was the seventh-tallest of the mercenaries, in a thick Boston accent. He held his aluminium baseball bat defensively, as well as if there were any baseballs around he could hit.

"I think they're alright," said Sniper, taking out his finely honed kukri which he had obtained in the war. "I shall use this finely honed war kukri to carve a way forth towards our quarry, if I may."

He did so, chopping and sallying the dead branches that stood between them and the laboratory that they found in a small clearing. It was wooden and rather stupid looking.

Inside was a little man with big swirly glasses and a tuft of hair that made him look quite elegant.

"Little sir," said Heavy, "ve are keednappenk you, so shat ap and get in de sack NOW!"

"I don't agree with this," Professor Elvin Gadd screeched, but they didn't want his agreement or approval. They merely rough-housed him, strong-armed him into the sack, and frog-marched the sack back to the automobile.

"Scout," said Spy. "Give Madamoiselle Pauling a toot on the old blower. She will be dying to hear of our triumph."

He did so.

She was very pleased. "Now," she said, in a thick General American accent, "you must take him to our client."

"Where does the client live?" asked Sniper, ready to input some kind of address into the satellite navigation system.

"Scout," said Spy, "ask her where the client lives."

He did so.

She said he lived in space.

Sniper wasn't so sure about this, but he went ahead and put in 'outer space' as an address.

"In 800 yards... go right on the roundabout. First exit," said the satellite navigation system.

"Ten-four," said the Sniper. "Tell Miss Pauling we're on our way, Scout, you drongo."

He did so.

* * *

"Hmm," Frieza hummed in his humming chair. He had discarded the hoverchair because it was inadequate; the humming chair was much better to hum in, and that was after all how he passed the time these days. He had a report from Toady on his desk (the chair had a desk), which he pored over for the 45th time. It just said a lot of nonsense.

"I hope those mercenaries are here with my terrible tomfool of a captive professor soon," he said to himself.

* * *

Goku still wanted to find and kill Toady, but Vegeta's counsel got the best of him and they unanimously agreed to let bygones be bygones. Now, their task was to bring back Luigi from the grave, as was in fact their original plan, before they got the idea of resurrecting Frieza. King Kai suggested they use the Dragon Balls, but they wouldn't be ready for another year. Goku went to Namek to ask to borrow their Dragon Balls, but they had also just been used. Then he went to the Omni-King to ask to borrow the Super Dragon Balls, but they had also just been used. So with this in mind, Wario had a bright idea that circumvented all their problems.

"My dear brothers," he said. "I have had an idea. There is a man in the Mushroom Kingdom who is capable of such feats of resurrection. His name is Elvin Gadd, and he is an esteemed and decorated scholar of many sciences. Perhaps I shall return home and complete my mission alone."

"Flimshaw!" Goku declared, puffing his remarkably buff torso out in a confident and somewhat intimidating manner, making Wario's arm-jowls quiver and his moustache plaster itself to his cheeks. "We shall accompany you, to ensure you are safe. That is our job, as Z-Warriors, and if such a brave, beautiful man as yourself were to come to harm because of my blind eye, I would never forgive myself!"

Then all of a sudden, there was a ruckus. The core of the planet quoke and shoke, and every man fell flat on his behind and wailed a widow's wail.

"What on Earth is happening?" asked Goku. "I can feel an incredible ki from way away!"

"As can I," said Krillin. "This is indeed troubling!"

"Oh my word!" King Kai rasped. "It's... it's Frieza! He is up and about destroying the Earth!"

"Oh my word!" Goku sang. "How terrible a thing to do! We must stop him, at any cost!"

"Oh my word!" Krillin bellowed. "You're so right! We gotta go! Now!"

Right on the spot, Wario erupted into a fountain of tears. How brave these warriors were! And yet what a tragedy it was that they could not after all help him!

"I must attend to other matters," said Mister Buu, clapping his gloved hands together. "I am sorry I cannot help either party. I will see you again some time, my friends."

Before he flew away, the pink man used his own antenna to bathe them all in light, healing their bruised bottoms. Wario would never forget this kindness. "Lo! There goes a man of great integrity!" he heralded. "Now, I must go... alone!"

"That's not true," said Vegeta. "Goku and Krillin can handle Frieza. I, the Prince of all Saiyans, will accompany you back to Earth and ensure you are able to safely rendezvous with the esteemed Professor Elvin Gadd and see the revival of your son Luigi, who was killed by Toady."

Vegeta was so kind. Maybe even kinder than Mister Buu. Wario wouldn't forget this either. He thought back to the day before, when he had been nothing but a lowly Senior Hitch Unraveller for the Mushroom Kingdom's government; when his sons were alive and his house in one piece and his biggest hitch to unravel being the wellbeing of the good people of Wet-Dry World. Now, what was he? An intergalactic hero! How exciting. And soon justice would be at hand! Soon he could retire to his house with all his sons, and see their lives unfold! O, how frabjous this day had become!

"Then let us go, Prince Vegeta!" Wario roared in enthusiasm.

Goku would take them to the Mushroom Kingdom using his Instant Transmission, but after that he was to return to Earth to defend it from the malevolent schemes of Frieza, alongside his good friend Krillin.

In an instant, they were standing in the high street of Toad Town.

"Which way is it to Professor Elvin Gadd's residence?" Vegeta asked.

"I'm not sure," said Wario. "We have never met. I have only heard of his exploits. However, I believe the dean of my sons' school is in cahoots with the man. He may be able to help us."

"Which way is it to your sons' school?" Vegeta asked.

"It's this way," said Wario, and he pointed in one of the four cardinal directions.

"Thank you," said Vegeta. "Good day to you, citizen of the Mushroom Kingdom!"

But the Toad was not able to return the Good-Day in any kind of joyousness. "O, you are most cruel! To throw joyousness in my face at such a joyousnessless time of the life of the Mushroom Kingdom!"

"Why?" Wario grouched softly. "What has occurred in my absence?"

"Princess Peach..." said the Toad, sniffling and piffling and snorting up snotties. "Princess Peach is dead!"


	4. Chapter 4

_**CHAPTER FOUR**_

* * *

"Really?" asked Wario. "Is Princess Peach really dead? Really?"

"Yes!" wailed the Toad. "Yes! Yes! Dead! Yes! O! Dead! So dead! She has passed, from… Bowser!"

"O, such a shame!" wailed the Wario. "For so fair a princess, to meet so grisly an end, by the hand of so foul a demon king!"

"That is interesting," said Vegeta, in between mournful sobs. "My friend, Piccolo, the second-wisest of all of my friends, after the great King Kai, wiser even than me, is the son of a Demon King. Perhaps there is some correlation?"

"That is a cunning theory," said Wario, through tears, "but I'm so sorry, but I don't think you're very right. The Demon King Bowser's issue is named as follows: Ludwig Von, Roy, Morton Junior, Wendy O., Lemmy, Iggy, Larry, and Bowser Junior."

"I see," Vegeta sniffled, snuffling. "I suppose it was wrong of me to jump to conclusions there."

"It was not wrong," said Wario gravely. "You merely acted without thinking, which is a common thing for any fallible man to be susceptible to doing."

"You are so right," said Vegeta. "So, what do you think happens now that the Princess is dead?"

"I suppose her heir will ascend to the throne," Wario mused. "After all, that is what usually happens upon the death of the ruling monarch of the Mushroom Kingdom."

"I see," said Vegeta. He wiped the last of his warm tears from his warm face with his warm gloves, which being white reflected much of the sunlight that bore down on them. They were only warm due to Vegeta's incredible ki. And how incredible it was! Wario felt close to swooning, every time he took a breath. Vegeta was so strong! And so brave! And so wise! "You know," he continued, "the ruling monarch of Earth is a dog."

"I didn't know that," said Wario. "How interesting! Tell me more about this Dog-Monarch while we travel to my son's school, if you please."

"It would please me to enlighten you," Vegeta smiled. "'King' is the title given to a male monarch in a variety of contexts. The female equivalent is queen regnant (while the title of queen on its own usually refers to the consort of a king). The domestic dog (Canis lupus familiaris or Canis familiaris) is a member of genus Canis (canines) that forms part of the wolf-like canids, and is the most widely abundant carnivore. The dog and the extant gray wolf are sister taxa, with modern wolves not closely related to the wolves that were first domesticated. The dog was the first domesticated species and has been selectively bred over millennia for various behaviors, sensory capabilities, and physical attributes."

* * *

The little man in the sack sat in the sack. His head was out of the sack, but his body was in the sack. There was another, smaller sack on his head.

"Herr Sniper," said the Medic, who was healing the automobile and keeping pace with it on foot outside the window. "Will you please ask the prisoner how he is?"

"Certainly," said the Sniper, who was sat inside the automobile, as was everyone but the Medic. He removed the head-sack from Professor Elvin Gadd's head. "How are you, Wanker-Bogan?"

"My name is Professor Elvin Gadd," said Professor Elvin Gadd, "and I am anything but fine! You have all caused me much grief! I do not know who you are, or where I am being taken! What is the meaning of my capture? Am I to be used or taken advantage of in some way?"

"I don't know," said the Sniper. "I'm just driving."

"Actually, I am driving," said the Soldier, who was the sixth-tallest of the mercenaries, and spoke with a thick military accent. "You are talking to the prisoner."

"Oh, you're right," said the Sniper. "I am the Wanker-Bogan in the end, I suppose."

"Quite so," said Professor Elvin Gadd. "You have all snatched me up, hours before I was to regale the Mushroom Kingdom, and perhaps even the world, with my revolutionary resurrection of the late Princess Peach!"

* * *

"Legislative size is a tradeoff between efficiency and representation; the smaller the legislature, the more efficiently it can operate, but the larger the legislature, the better it can represent the political diversity of its constituents. Comparative analysis of national legislatures has found that size of a country's lower house tends to correspond to the cube root of its population; that is, the size of the lower house tends to increase along with population, but much more slowly."

"That's so interesting," said Wario. "You are very knowledgeable about the different branches of modern government, Your Highness Vegeta."

"Yes," said Vegeta. He did not seem overly enthused. Pools of water were forming on the ground, flanking his flat feet; brisk and stridal as his brisk strides were, it appeared that when His Highness wept, he wept for all his planet whole, and people too. Gouts – not drips or drops or splats or splots – of salty sorrow fell from his eyes, each wearing another caldera into the well-paved road they walked brisk and stridal down. Wario felt terrible for the civil servants whose job it would be to repair the damage Prince Vegeta was doing to Toad Town's lengthy High Street (which was so lengthy its denizens would on occasion take to calling it Long Street) – not only would they be forced to briefly abandon their doubtless-manifold civic duties, but all in throes of grief over the passing of their lady liege that may well have given the lot of them a similar case of the crying to Vegeta's. Wario wanted sorely to console his friend, to rub his back or massage his shoulder or squeeze his large hand, but he was finding it hard enough to keep up with the brisk and stridal pace, so contented his globular self with rubbing his massage-ready hands together, in the hopes that he could generate enough heat to evaporate Vegeta's tears before they collode with the asphalt.

The walk took less than an hour, but much more than half of an hour. Wario estimated it was around three quarters of an hour, which could be divided by mathematicians into 45 minutes, before they came to something interesting enough to slow Vegeta's pace from brisk to merely stridal: a carnival.

"Might this take the stress from our heads and the yoke of grief from our weary shoulders?" Wario mused through out-of-breaths. But Vegeta did not take heed, instead soiling one glove with grey tearstain smudges and clenching his opposite fist so that his fingers bent against a most meatiest palm.

Yellows and reds shocked Wario's pupils, bunting streaking flimsy and mimsy, gaudy and bawdy, across the fallaciously blue sky. Closer to the ground (stationed upon it, in fact) were rides, where market stalls might otherwise be, lining the road they walked down and taking up unsavoury amounts of pavement space. Idly, Wario thought to bring this up at his next board meeting.

It all seemed too happy. Wario felt very sad, and he thought Vegeta might be feeling the same way, and this carnival seemed so happy. It made Wario feel even more sad. He felt like crying, but refrained for Vegeta's sake. The teacups, the merry-go-round, the tenacious roller-coaster, the concessions stand, the bumper cars, the bodacious roller-coaster, the slumper cars, the very-go-round, the helter-skelter, the wharf, the boring roller-coaster, the pumper cars, the ticket booth, the baby park, the Ferris wheel, the bumper cars; it was all an affront, and its affrontage made Wario's whiskers recoil from the fun and happiness and pleasantness.

And yet, there was nothing to do but walk through it. There were other avenues – alleyways that snoke around the carnival area, stairwells in buildings that would take them to the rooves – but Wario's was the way of the straight and narrow, and to err one way or another would be to fly in the face of all that he learned at Trowel Academy. Straight they went, straight as Vegeta's strong and straight spine, and boldly did they stride as Vegeta's boldly stridden lateral musculature.

Wario saw something as they passed the teacups. Inside one such teacup was a man, who looked rather out of place. He looked out of space and out of time, and he sat in a teacup like a man in a boat. Sad he looked, and grizzled too; white, grey, bushy, leathery, clad in a suit of deep blue, perhaps like the place he came from.

"Good day, sir," said Wario as they passed him. He twitched Warioward and snarled.

"Do not trouble this gentleman," warned Vegeta. "I have fought and regrettably killed men with his disposition."

It would not do to cross Vegeta in such a state of emotional disarray.

"Have a rotten day," said Wario, and they left the bedraggled and frazzled somewhat-seaman where he was.

Past the terminus of the High Street, Vegeta stopped a behelmed Toad Police Officer by hailing him. "Hail, Toad Police Officer," he said, and explained the manly sight they had both beheld. As they continued on to the Smartypants Sector of Toad Town (where the area's schools had been constructed in a single century of peace), Wario's long and acutely pointed ears picked up low rumblings on the TPO's Kids Walkie Talkies for Children in a selection of Kid Film Cartoon Characters Wireless Mini Twin Toy Walkie Talkies:

"Young officer on the other line, heed this message. A man has been spotted in a most atypical place, but in accordance with what has been aforesaid. Something very extraordinary is going to happen at the Long Street carnival."

* * *

Goku and Frieza fought.

* * *

Excellent and Exemplary was the appropriately-prefixed Elvin School for Learning from Upper-class Teachers, or EEESLUT, that welcomed Wario and Frieza, or Wario and Vegeta, with open gates later in the afternoon. Not prestigious or exclusive by any means, it was run and staffed and operated and led and directed entirely by upper-class teachers with a charitable streak, open to all the most disadvantaged and unhappy children of the world. Perfect was such a place for Wario's children – bally Mario, funny Yoshi, and bravest of them all, little Luigi the passed-on piece of perfection pie that he so loved – and so he did not think more than three times before asking his babes' admission of the directorate.

Chiefest of the chiefs was Elvin Gadd, who once took a dead little bird whom Hammer Brother had struck with a Hammer and jerked him into jerky undeath in an experiment local media had dubbed 'extremely scary' – and who, despite the confused insistences to the contrary that the faculty gave Wario and his partner, had not in fact been sighted on the premises for upwards of seventeen thousand millennia. This had rather baffled Vegeta, whose home planet apparently considered a millennium to be a thousand years rather than one seventeen-thousandth of a day. Once the confusion had been cleared up, everyone was a great deal happier, and Vegeta was laughing with the rest of them over school sushi that tasted oh-so-delicious.

"Cheep-Cheep is a fabulous cook, is che not?" asked the Big Penguin, head of the Frosty Department. Our heroes had nothing but praise for cher culinary skills, and there was much happiness and excitement and great pleasure between each and every one of the people in the room. Then they remembered Elvin Gadd was missing, and they all cried.

"That's enough crying," said Wario after a short time, and they all stopped crying. "Now is the time to find Professor Elvin Gadd. Do you know where we might start investigating his disappearance?"

* * *

"You will carry this investigation out through only me," said Toad Police Chief Chadwick Toadman, "for only my jurisdiction covers this territory. If a man is missing, we will find him. If a man has gone missing, we will go and find him."

"OK," said Wario, and they all co-operated. Very soon, but not too soon, the police had used their technological marvels to track Elvin Gadd down. He was in a car that was going very fast towards a destination that appeared to be nothing in particular. The Toad Police promised they could take our heroes to the place where they were headed before they would get there and they would all stop them before they could get their cargo to their destination.

* * *

They went there. There were many trees. On this plain they saw a car approach. "Stop!" said the Toad Police. "We will not stop," said the driver of the car. "Please stop," said the Toad Police. "Not at all," said the driver of the car. The car ran on bulky legs and gasoline and trumped the roadblock like it was nothing.

"They will not get away from us," said Vegeta, allaying Wario's trepidary fears, and offered a hand to his fat ally. "To me, Wario! Lo, we shall catch them in the act, and seize their vehicle for the good of the realm."

Strongly forth did Vegeta lurch, bringing Wario by the arm and shoulder with him, and they easily caught the back of the large automobile that drove swiftly towards the sky. Up and up they all went, and suddenly they were in space. Wario was so scared that he dropped his hat on the space and away it went.

"That's a great shame," said Wario, as Vegeta tore the automobile in two and powerslammed its passengers into an asteroid, "for my coinpurse was inside that mustard cap of mine. And there are few things I love more than money!"

Down at the asteroid, Vegeta killed one man and slew another. He smote a third, and only six strange men were left to question.

"Let us bury our dead," pled one of the men in red. "Very well," said Vegeta, but no sooner did he blink than did the men as one make a lightning-fast break for the heavens, glowing bright red like they had received some sort of supercharge that turned them into Übermenschen. Of course, Vegeta was quicker than they, and again did he seize them; but this time, Wario did not follow. Left on the asteroid was he and one half of the car, as Vegeta disappeared with their assailants into the heavens.

"Here in this car," Wario surmised, "must be evidence of Professor Elvin Gadd's seizure."

And evidence there was. Evidence of the most damning sort...

"Hello, Wario," said Professor Elvin Gadd in the wreckage. "You have found me safe and sound, but cut short have been my days, and prematurely snipped has been my lifeline. My destiny-rope has frayed, and the hair on my fate's head is falling victim to alopecia of the most heinous sort."

"I beg your pardon, Elvin," said Wario, hatless but feeling hairless, "but I am only a simple man, who has learned only to farm and to run a large business and to raise three children, and many of these words sound no more like words to me than something silly, like 'gritmib'."

"I am dying," said Professor Elvin Gadd. "My life is ending, and there is little time for me to communicate what is important."

Elvin Gadd perished on that asteroid, and the last of Wario's tears flew east towards the great blazing Sun.


End file.
